Tay’s Concussion Diary: Entry 2 - You can look back, but don’t start walking that way.

These past couple weeks have been really busy for me in terms of appointments. Every time I have one - whether it be with my neurologist(s), psychotherapist, psychiatrist or job coach.. I feel like I’m constantly having to re-live all the aspects of my injury. Reliving this experience is not all bad news bears though.. there are many things I have been able to find clarity on. Things that make me feel like I am okay and that I will heal from this injury with out a doubt. I’m sure these positives definitely out weigh the bad stuff.. ( well I’d like to think that). I feel like I hold on to the bad stuff because it never seems to leave me alone. It keeps replaying in my mind and no matter how many times I tell myself to be positive I am always thinking back. I’m thinking back to all the times that I didn’t feel heard or validated. I’m thinking back to all the discomfort I felt with no one to offer me true comfort. I’m thinking back to all the times I was told that I just needed to control my anxiety. Side note —> It’s weird - writing this down is giving me even more clarity than I expected when I started on this blog. I’m starting to realize that the items I am still living in the past for .. are the ones that I’m still currently living through. I guess the things that have been explained and validated have faded into the back round and it’s the ones I’m still living that continue to keep playing.. even on the days I really think I’ve got it under control. I’ve been asked a lot if I had anxiety before this healing journey with Post Concussion Syndrome and the truth is - of frickingg course. I am a strong believer that generally all humans experience anxiety in one form or another throughout our lifetimes. It is not bad or weird to be anxious.. it’s “normal”. I believe it’s just part of the program. It’s not to say that everyone’s is the same, because that is no where near my idea. I just feel that we have all had different experiences in our lifetimes and we all perceive them and process them completely different as well. Therefore, it is pretty obvious that there would be different intensities of this trait within all of us. When I’m asked the question I spoke of above, I feel slightly attacked. I feel what I am going through is trying to be diminished in a sort of way. Like they are looking for a reason to be like “oh well, she’s just always been this way”. I just feel that is such an odd way to approach this situation. I always answer this question the same though - because it is the truth “ well yes, I have always been an anxious driver and I worry about keeping people happy”. Pretty normal stuff I’d say. But then they write it down. So in my head I’m like “okay so then you have always been this way and you’re never going to be normal again.. your just getting worse!” I know that my anxious mind takes over a lot with this injury and I am however, getting better at telling it to shut up. But I feel like I am always questioning myself, replaying scenarios and blaming myself in return. Giving my power away to something that has happened in the past is a thing I’ve become quite good at with navigating through Post Concussion Syndrome. I never feel like I get all the answers so I’m constantly looking through my mind to find them...Wondering why I am this way. I have to remind myself that there is nothing I could of done to make myself like this. I have to remind myself that I am trying my best everyday - even if it doesn’t feel or look like it ( I know that I am because that’s just who I am ). I have to remind myself that bad things happen to everyone and I am not alone. I have to remind myself that I’m not the first person to feel this type of mental and physical pain. I have to remind myself that the anxieties I dealt with before had no role in the way I feel today. I have to remind myself that I am injured and all I need to do is work on getting better. I have to remind myself that healthy Tay is in the future.. she does not live in the past. I have to remind myself that I will get through this journey one step at a time — I’m learning that if I keep walking backwards it’s going to take a hell of a lot longer to get there.